Introspection

I confuse myself...

I don't know what I think, why I do what I do, I don't know my own opinion a lot of the time and I feel guilty for even having an opinion when I do. Why is that? I 'know' things rationally but I can't translate that into really knowing something. I am envious of people who are sure of themselves. Who know what they want and feel that it okay to go for it. I think that I often make decisions on what I feel people think I should do.

Does that sound confusing? Well it is. If I am asked what show I want to watch, I don't think about the show I want to watch. No, I think about what show the other person would like to watch, then I think about whether I want to watch it and if I don't I just go with it anyway. I have to force myself to think about what show I want to watch. And that is with everything. Do I want a glass of wine? Do I want to watch a movie? Do I want to go out or stay in? Do I???

I have been hiding myself for so long and now that I am trying to find out what I want, I find that it is difficult. As a result I am often anxious, worried. I grind my teeth, I pick at my nails. Maybe I need to be more brave. Maybe I am making progress and I just have to be patient. Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I think to much? Maybe everyone else thinks about this stuff too? I just don't know.

I confuse myself...