What is normal anyway?

I was very surprised when I went to go visit my psychiatrist today. I made the appointment mainly to top up my script but I had to cancel yesterday because I ran late. I should've planned it better yesterday but it was my last day and everyone was saying good bye. I didn't think much of it. Today, when arrived for the appointment Dr. S suggested we look at attention deficit disorder as a possibility. I was in shock. Its so not me. Its the opposite of how I perceive myself but I did read a bit about it and some of it fits. A few sentences from here jumped out at me.

Like:

Alternately, you may have been able to compensate for the symptoms of ADD/ADHD when you were young, only to run into problems as your responsibilities increase. The more balls you’re trying to keep in the air—pursuing a career, raising a family, running a household—the greater the demand on your abilities to organize, focus, and remain calm. This can be challenging for anyone, but if you have ADD/ADHD, it can feel downright impossible.



Zoning out” without realizing it, even in the middle of a conversation.


Hyperfocus is actually a coping mechanism for distraction—a way of tuning out the chaos. It can be so strong that you become oblivious to everything going on around you. For example, you may be so engrossed in a book, a TV show, or your computer that you completely lose track of time and neglect the things you’re supposed to be doing. Hyperfocus can be an asset when channeled into productive activities, but it can also lead to work and relationship problems if left unchecked.

Poor organizational skills (home, office, desk, or car is extremely messy and cluttered)

Tendency to procrastinate

Chronic lateness

Underestimating the time it will take you to complete tasks

Sense of underachievement

Easily flustered and stressed out

Irritability or mood swings

Trouble staying motivated

Low self-esteem and sense of insecurity

Feelings of inner restlessness, agitation

Racing thoughts

Trouble sitting still; constant fidgeting

Now I am not saying I have all of these at the same time or even in one day. But I feel like that sometimes. But don't we all? Seriously, if you grow up in a loud house isn't it normal to develop the ability to tune out people/tv etc. while you read? And anxiety can account for constant fidgeting. And who doesn't feel inadequate sometimes?

I am disorganised sometimes but I finish things. I zone out but I am on medication which aims to make my brain work slower. I suffer from depression so half the self esteem issues fit into that too. Its just all so confusing. I am not keen to take more medication but I also don't want to fight a diagnosis that may help me. Still, it all sounds a little of a thumb suck. That said, Dr. S didn't change my medication. He says we will discuss it again.

Things that are worrying me...

At the moment there are quite a few things bothering me. My anxiety levels are completely up. I have been waking up earlier (worrying) and struggling to fall asleep (worrying) and I know there is a lot on my mind. I figure that maybe if I just list everything that maybe I can try deal with the issues worrying me instead of just feeling so anxious. So here goes.

1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.

2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.

3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.

4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.

5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.

6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.

7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.

8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.

All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.

Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!

In someone else's shoes

I feel like I am getting sick - silly weather! And after all the vitamins. Sigh.

Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:

Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.

And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.

She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.

I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.

This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.

I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.

But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.

Introspection

I confuse myself...

I don't know what I think, why I do what I do, I don't know my own opinion a lot of the time and I feel guilty for even having an opinion when I do. Why is that? I 'know' things rationally but I can't translate that into really knowing something. I am envious of people who are sure of themselves. Who know what they want and feel that it okay to go for it. I think that I often make decisions on what I feel people think I should do.

Does that sound confusing? Well it is. If I am asked what show I want to watch, I don't think about the show I want to watch. No, I think about what show the other person would like to watch, then I think about whether I want to watch it and if I don't I just go with it anyway. I have to force myself to think about what show I want to watch. And that is with everything. Do I want a glass of wine? Do I want to watch a movie? Do I want to go out or stay in? Do I???

I have been hiding myself for so long and now that I am trying to find out what I want, I find that it is difficult. As a result I am often anxious, worried. I grind my teeth, I pick at my nails. Maybe I need to be more brave. Maybe I am making progress and I just have to be patient. Maybe I am selfish? Maybe I think to much? Maybe everyone else thinks about this stuff too? I just don't know.

I confuse myself...