So there I was trying to be awesome instead of sad

I really loved the picture (post below) and the saying and so I was all amped to be awesome instead of sad (because I had a few sad days before) and then as I am leaving work on Friday, I get a 'notify me' sms telling me that R1000 had been withdrawn from my credit card! I NEVER withdraw from my credit card so I freaked out a bit.

I stopped on the side of the road to check if I even had my purse anymore (nope, it was gone) and a parking attendant yelled at me (even though by this point I was crying- I cry a lot). I said I was just double checking to see if I had my purse and I would move in 1 second and he looked at me and shoved his pricelist in my face pointing at the 0-30min for R4 sign. That got to me. Where is empathy? Why are we so mean to each other. So I drove off.

I decided to go straight to the bank, parked outside and paid my R4. Went in was told that the bank couldn't help me because I didn't have my ID so I went at sat on the phone to cancel my cards (in the car). And then a policeman parked next to me, got out of his car, tapped on my windows and sternly told me to park straighter (I checked afterwards, I was skew but still within the parking space). But that upset me too. I mean here is an obviously distressed woman who looks like she wants to throw up and you are someone who is supposed to help and all you can worry about is the PARKING??? Seriously???

I then ran out of airtime (and obviously had no money or bank cards) so drove home to wait Brian. Because, it was obviously my day I got stuck in the worst traffic ever. I sat for 30 min at the offramp. Got home, phoned Brian and then got into bed for a nap because the day was not getting any better and now I have so much admin to do again. This is the second time in 4 months that I have had my purse stolen. I got my new drivers last month! And it is so much work.

Also I have such a fear of the traffic department- last time I was there I had the biggest anxiety attack ever. People were so unhelpful and no one cares. Yes, I know I am generalising and there are nice people who work in government departments. I have just never met one. Yes, I know people are overworked and that most people treat public servants badly. But it still upsets me because I think we should stand together more. There is so much crime so we can all understand how something small can make you feel upset. We have all been there. But instead I find that most people are selfish and don't want to know about your problems. Is it like this in other countries?

Sigh.

p.s. I had a really great weekend so I am feeling loads better! Just not particularly looking forward to the admin of replacing things.

Things that are worrying me...

At the moment there are quite a few things bothering me. My anxiety levels are completely up. I have been waking up earlier (worrying) and struggling to fall asleep (worrying) and I know there is a lot on my mind. I figure that maybe if I just list everything that maybe I can try deal with the issues worrying me instead of just feeling so anxious. So here goes.

1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.

2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.

3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.

4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.

5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.

6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.

7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.

8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.

All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.

Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!

I think I am a bad adult

Seriously, I do. Is there any school that teaches you to budget properly or tells you whether your electricity meter reading is too high or how to cut down your bank charges. I hate money. I really do. I want to stop trying to fix people by buying them lovely gifts that I can't really afford. I want to know what to say to make someone feel better. I want someone to make me feel better. I wish I had bought a cheaper car or that petrol prices would go down or that I would get a higher paying job, close to where I live, in a field that I want to work in. And all I know is that I am 'adult' enough to know that wishes don't really come true.