Ryan's awesome 21st!

I just have to add some pictures from last night. I had such a fun time. And I'm so proud of my little brother. It was also great to see Russel (my other brother) who flew in from Cape Town.

The theme was "Come as you were" - which caused some confusion but basically means come as someone you could have been in a past life. My brother is odd sometimes ;) Everybody dressed up and looked so gorgeous and fun. Really an awesome night. His girlfriend did so much to organise it. I am so happy that he has someone like that in his life.

Brian - he made me laugh the whole night. Wow. Awesomeness.

Ryan - An Officer and a Gentleman!

Me and my spanish dancer/assassin (she stole Brian's sheriff's gun and pretended to be an assassin all night)

Me and Rus - he looked like Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. :)

Some of Ryan's friends

I love both of these costumes!

Me and Brian - love him so much!

Ryan and his princess Julie.

Me and my brood! :)

Ryan- Almost 21 years of awesomeness

My brother's 21st birthday party is tomorrow and I am saying a speech. Eek. I have so many things I want to say but my mind is all tired and befuddled. I was looking at pictures of him and he was just so darn cute.

He was quite sick as a baby - he was in hospital nearly every month with pneumonia. Sometimes he would be admitted for 3-4 weeks at a time. His doctor just kept saying it was asthma and the tests for cystic fibrosis kept coming back negative (thank goodness) but they kept testing because it was the most logical answer.

Eventually, the doctor admitted that he didn't know (after 5 years) and referred him to a paediatric pulmonologist, Dr. Richards. He is absolutely awesome. He finally diagnosed Ryan with an immune defficiency which lead to him getting sick so often that a part of his lung was destroyed. At one point they were even contemplating surgery but then with the help of medicine for the immune problem, Ryan got better and better.

He is now healthier than I am and 100times more active

One good thing from being so ill is that Ryan learnt to fight...sometimes, it drives me mad but he will fight for something or someone he believes in and he is no quitter. And he loves. He and his girlfriend, Julie have been together for nearly 3 years and he treats her like a princess. He also looks out for our little sister (and spends half his time bugging her too!)

Ryan, recently got a scooter which scares the life out of me. I don't like it but he loves being able to get places. A lot of his friends have given him some trouble about having a 'girly' scooter but he just laughed. He has even named it Fernando (because he says its italian).

He has really grown up into such a great man. I can't believe it actually. I remember reading on the couch with him snuggled next to me all afternoon. I used to bath him (yes, at six!) and I was the one who carried him inside when he broke his arm at 2 (a motorbike accident on one of those little plastic bikes). I am just so proud of him...

And he is so good looking (I am his sister so I can brag) :)

Learning to listen

I am a good listener in a lot of ways. I pay attention to what you are saying, I emphasize and I care but lately I have realised that if I hear a problem my immediate reaction is to try and fix it. I try come up with a solution. I am very pragmatic about the problem. I think it is my way of feeling less powerless.

This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.

Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.

How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.

Craziness

I had a little 'crazy' moment on the weekend. I was sitting watching Guiliana and Bill - yes, I watch awful 'reality' shows- and they had just found out that their 2nd IVF didn't work. And I got so sad and then I got so worried that I was sad (hence the crazy part). It became incredibly important for me to talk to Brian about kids.

Now, we have spoken about having children before. But half the time I am so worried about the million mistakes I will make as a mother or how I might lose my relationship with Brian if I have a child so I am constantly saying that I don't want children. I think the sadness that I felt at watching people desperatly wanting a child came from the fear that because I say I don't want children now, I might never have one.

Brian isn't too keen for children- I think he gets very worried about the responsibility- and I got so scared that my comments about not wanting children may be lying to him and that one day he will feel 'tricked' into this relationship. None of this is rational. He knows me so well and we have discussed that I might want children. But on Saturday, it became such a big THING to me.

I sat him down and then while crying and apologising for being such an awful girlfriend told him that I might want kids one day. The look on his face...I think he was 1.) confused and 2.) confused. He said he knew that and then sat expectantly for what he thought would be the 'awful' part of my confession. When I said that was all, I think he was trying not to laugh, but as usual he said exactly the right thing to say and so now (well at least for the next few months), I know that how I feel at 26 may change and that it is okay not to make a decision now. Its a good feeling to know that he knows me so well. And that it is okay to be unsure about this stuff.

I still can't understand my mind though. What on earth possessed me to become seriously emotional while watching Guiliana and Bill???

Things that are worrying me...

At the moment there are quite a few things bothering me. My anxiety levels are completely up. I have been waking up earlier (worrying) and struggling to fall asleep (worrying) and I know there is a lot on my mind. I figure that maybe if I just list everything that maybe I can try deal with the issues worrying me instead of just feeling so anxious. So here goes.

1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.

2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.

3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.

4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.

5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.

6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.

7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.

8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.

All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.

Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!

A Family Album

I brought my external hardrive to work today and I found all these photo's that my mom asked me to back up for her. Most of them have been scanned so they are not the best quality but they are worth so much to me.

My Dad's parents: Olive and Stanley

My Mom's parents: Alice and Carlos

My Parents and my aunt and uncle

My Dad, Roy

My Mom, Isabel (in the middle- my aunt and uncle or either side)

Me: Yes, I was that chubby!

Rus: he was as naughty as he looked (now taking on the world!)

Ryan: He was quite sick when he was little so he doesn't look as naughty as he was...

Sav: Isn't she beautiful?

Are we de-sensitized?

I love South Africa. I always will: I think that no matter what happens in the future I will always be proud that I lived in a country that overcame so much, where forgiveness was hailed as essential for a new and better future. But with the crimes of the past comes the crime of the present.

Crime:

Most people who read this have been exposed to some sort of crime, your mother, your father, a smash and crab, petty theft, domestic violence. The list goes on.

My family has been pretty lucky when it comes to crime- well, no one has been seriously injured but we have been affected. First when I was 11 and we were in an armed hijacking. We were forced in the house and made to lie down while 6 armed men ramsacked the house and threatened to shoot my grandfather (the only male who was over 9) and rape my mother and aunt. But we were okay. And stuff is only stuff.

10 years later, while getting into the car, we were parked in and held at gun point. Again. This time they didn't want the car (tracking devices etc.) but they took bags, cell phones, jewellery...stuff. We were all fine and stuff is only stuff.

On Tuesday, three armed men entered my parents house and tied up my mother, my grandmother (she is 90) and our domestic worker, Themba who is too ill to work at the moment because she has just had a kidney removed (not that the 30 staples she has in her side stopped them from pushing her around). Once again, everyone was okay. They only took stuff.

But I am tired of thinking this is all okay. Yes, stuff is only stuff but there is something inherently wrong at tying up a 90 year old women or cocking your gun at a 70 year old man or 5 year old child. My sister has technically been the luckiest: she has only dealt with one armed robbery but she has nightmares about people killing me and chasing her around. She can't get out of bed in the dark and she is petrified of car guards (she heard a story of a girl being raped- I don't know if its true or not)

I am annoyed at myself for feeling so de-sentitized about it all. I got my dad's sms on Tuesday and calmly phoned to check everyone was okay. I then moved onto the more important topics: insurance,police etc. The red tape and admin. Its what we do. But it is not right. I should not be so casual about it. They kicked in a kitchen door. I should think of that. My mom was sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea, in her house which should be safe. I should think of that. I should not be so accepting. It is not the way it should be. South Africa should be better than this. All this violence...Do you know a girl was murdered in my complex a few months ago? It wasn't a botched hijacking or anything and my area is very safe but her stalker ex-boyfriend hit her with a knuckleduster and then stabbed her to death and I DIDN'T hear anything! And I was upset for a week or two, sad at the lost of life but I moved on. I stopped thinking of it.

There is just so much violence and entitlement: that man thought he was entitled to her life. In the robberies we have been in, the men have felt they are entitled to take what they want. It feels like its some sort of rot that it is hitting us. Where ethics and people mean nothing. Having what you want is more important (never mind who you took it from). I don't really know what to do about it but I know that just accepting it is wrong. I don't want to leave my country and I don't want to moan about it to people who do not live here either. But for me, I think the first step is to feel. I don't want to become hardened. I think if that happens, then I am lost.

Maybe that is what is stolen in the end...

All the people that I love

And Brian, of course:

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck