Whoosh

The sound that time makes when it flies past. Whoosh!

I can't believe that it is the middle of August. I can't believe that I have been at my new job for 16 days. I can't believe I will be 27 at the end of the month. I can't believe that Brian and I will have been together for 5 years on 5 September. Time really does fly.

And when you're busy, days go so much faster. And I am soooo busy. I have two projects at work at the moment (they're going easy on me- most people have 5 or 6). One of the projects is more research based while the other one is more the typical environmental application stuff. It is so scary and such a learning curve. Since I started I have gone to two meetings at Transnet, had a telephone interview with someone from the Durban muncipality. I met the senior researcher at the South African Human Rights Commission. And I have three more meetings this week. Then next week I jet off to Port Elisabeth for a site visit. Pretty cool. I am excited and scared. But mainly excited.

I also received:
1 x bright yellow construction jacket
1 x bright yellow construction vest
1 x blue helmet
1 pair of construction boots

I kind of feel like a kid playing dress up. I suppose that being an adult just means you're old enough to do what you want but instead have to do what you must. But its pretty cool now because doing what I want is pretty close to doing what I must. I mean I get to sleep half an hour later, still get to work early and I am enjoying coming home mentally tired.

Learning to listen

I am a good listener in a lot of ways. I pay attention to what you are saying, I emphasize and I care but lately I have realised that if I hear a problem my immediate reaction is to try and fix it. I try come up with a solution. I am very pragmatic about the problem. I think it is my way of feeling less powerless.

This is a problem because not all issues have solutions and I am so focused on trying to fix it that I feel anxious and angry when I can't. I think this especially comes out with my family because there are so many problems I can't fix and I feel that there is a lot of pressure to fix them.

Last night my mom phoned me to tell me of yet another problem. I think, to be honest, that she just wanted to talk. But although I tried I didn't manage to just sit and listen. I was angry because the past two weeks I have felt crap and this is the first phone call I had and it was only to cry on my shoulder. It made me even more convinced that the only reason I was called was to fix it. Like my worth is only a good as my ability to make things okay. And I can't make it all okay. So I got angry.

How do I coach myself to take a step back and just listen without feeling the pressure of the situation on my shoulders? I know I think too much. My brain whirrs on trying to fix it. How do I turn it off? Do other people feel like this? Or if you are a good listener, how do you just listen without becoming so involved? These are things I am trying to figure out. I think that its vital for me to learn but I need to know where to start.

Here's to the future

I am in a very positive mood today...I am excited about my new job and about the new era in my life. So this is more of a reminder to myself that even though things sometimes get tough, there is always a light at the end of a tunnel. I love all these quotes. Hope you do too?

I think I might have figured it out

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I have been so emotional. I get so angry and want to drive into cars on the road (scary, hey?) and then so sad that I cry for hours. And during the day my insides feel raw from all the anxiety (sorry for the brutally honest post). Half the time I am so tired of it all that I just want to sleep.

But more than anything I am upset that I feel like this. It was a month ago that I felt that I had finally 'come out of the forest' with my depression. I felt that it was under control. I accepted that I still needed to take the medication but I was proud that I had managed to cut down the tranquilisers by so much (over a very very long time). So to be hit down after feeling that I was in a good place shook a lot of my confidence. Especially since I don't really know why.

The stress I have hasn't really changed. My family is still the same but they have been like that for awhile and I thought I had dealt with my friend issue demons. I have a new job to look forward too and I just have to finish my corrections and then I will have a MSc. The only thing I can think about is that somehow, in visiting Brian is Harrismith, I became a sad and terrified baby.

The thing is, right from the beginning Brian and I spent all I time together. We were finishing our Honours in the same department when we started going out and then spent the next two years working in the same office seeing each other every day and every night. It was never too much. Although we were together at work, we both were concentrating on our own work so it was 'independent togetherness', I suppose.

Things had to change eventually. Brian finished his MSc. on time and I did not so he got a part time job while he looked for full time environmental options. A few months later he was offered a job as an environmental control officer. We new he would have to live in Harrismith but we were lucky. The project moved slowly and so first he commuted to Heidelberg and only after a year did he move to Harrismith. It was nice having a transitional period and I have always been quite proud that I have handled a semi long distance relationship well. I feel that I have been supportive and accepting and I think Brian thinks I have been too.

I think the problem is that I put a time limit on it in my head. It was only going to last till December 2010. And then it was stretched till May 2011 and now December 2011. I have taken this all in my stride but going to Harrismith and actually spending evenings together was a stark contrast to what I have in Joburg. I have a very 'tick-the-box' type mind. And so now I have finished my MSc. and I have found my environmental job and we have our little place, I think that I am tired of having this 'half-life'. I am tired of waiting and I am lonely too. Before I was so stressed about the MSc., so worried about my family, so unhappy with my job that I didn't have time to wish for more but I think that by feeling better that I finally made space to acknowledge the toll that this long distance thing is having on me.

And so I think I have finally figured it out. Now, I have to try persuade my worrier mind that all is not bad in the world. It is only till December and its July already and I will be busy with my new job and I know I am going to meet some nice people and it will be good. For me, working out the problem is half the solution so I apologise for this long winded post but I definitely feel better than I have in weeks.

6.7 changes for a year

So I had this idea for Madiba's birthday. I didn't get around to organising my 67 minutes and I really want to make a difference. The problem is I often feel its futile. I was watching Harry's Law last week and this conversation really got to me because its such a big part of life in South Africa. She was talking to Tommy Jefferson (T) who is a bit weird so excuse some of the things he says.

T) "Do you ever look at homeless people on the street?"
H) "Sorry?"
(T) "You know. You're walking down the street. See a homeless person sitting on the curb. Do you look? Make eye contact?"
T) "I don't"
H) "They make you nauseous?" (refers to a previous discussion)
T) "No. I don't look because it depresses me. Not so much because they're homeless but because I CAN'T HELP THEM".
T) "Not in the whole. I mean sure - I should give the guy ten bucks. But, 30 yards down the street there's another one... and another one . . . and another one. I don't look because futility overcomes me!"
Harry shaking her head...
(T) "There's suffering all over the world, Harry. I can't make a difference. The futility of it all."

Well, do you look at beggars on the drive home? At every traffic light? In every parking lot? It made be think of two things. The first being the story of the little girl saving washed up starfish - "it makes a difference to the one I throw back" and the second - "be the change you want to see". So this list may not be huge. It may show you exactly how 'small' a person I am but I can only hope to help people if I change myself and the only way to do that is slowly. Also somethings may sound 'colonial' but they are not meant to. I do want to be a better person.

1.) Every month buy a few bags of apples or oranges etc. and give it out to beggars on the side of the road
2.)Click on the Barking Mad website everyday (One click = 1 bowl of food)
3.) Make sure that I have change for petrol attendants (I often run out of change)
4.) Try and compliment everyone I meet - everyone loves a compliment and the world needs happier people. Say hello and thank you to tellers even if I have had a hard day. Ask car guards about their day- show some interest and be a nicer person.
5.) During the holidays, volunteer at different places and donate clothes to charities
6.) Recyle!!! AND .7) Be more positive

Yes, I know that its not huge and its not 67 things either. Some of these things I try do already but I need to try harder. I need to make it part of my life. I need to be a nicer and more positive person. One of the things I have noticed both times that my wallet has been stolen this year is how people don't care. I want to care. I want to help people if they need help, I want to take the time. I think at the moment, its the best I can do to make a difference.

Happy Birthday, Madiba!

How do truly great people manage to be great? I always wonder...is it fate or personality or courage or the fact that if they don't no one else will? I feel very small at the moment- all my moaning about a stolen purse. In the big picture it doesn't matter. I hadn't quite decided what to do for my 67 minutes when I started this post but I just had an AWESOME idea. I love lists so I am going to make a list of 67 things I am going to do in dedication of all the hard work Madiba did in his 67 years of activism. I will finish it before next year and then start again. I love this idea!

Now I have to think of things that need to be done! Ideas anyone?

So there I was trying to be awesome instead of sad

I really loved the picture (post below) and the saying and so I was all amped to be awesome instead of sad (because I had a few sad days before) and then as I am leaving work on Friday, I get a 'notify me' sms telling me that R1000 had been withdrawn from my credit card! I NEVER withdraw from my credit card so I freaked out a bit.

I stopped on the side of the road to check if I even had my purse anymore (nope, it was gone) and a parking attendant yelled at me (even though by this point I was crying- I cry a lot). I said I was just double checking to see if I had my purse and I would move in 1 second and he looked at me and shoved his pricelist in my face pointing at the 0-30min for R4 sign. That got to me. Where is empathy? Why are we so mean to each other. So I drove off.

I decided to go straight to the bank, parked outside and paid my R4. Went in was told that the bank couldn't help me because I didn't have my ID so I went at sat on the phone to cancel my cards (in the car). And then a policeman parked next to me, got out of his car, tapped on my windows and sternly told me to park straighter (I checked afterwards, I was skew but still within the parking space). But that upset me too. I mean here is an obviously distressed woman who looks like she wants to throw up and you are someone who is supposed to help and all you can worry about is the PARKING??? Seriously???

I then ran out of airtime (and obviously had no money or bank cards) so drove home to wait Brian. Because, it was obviously my day I got stuck in the worst traffic ever. I sat for 30 min at the offramp. Got home, phoned Brian and then got into bed for a nap because the day was not getting any better and now I have so much admin to do again. This is the second time in 4 months that I have had my purse stolen. I got my new drivers last month! And it is so much work.

Also I have such a fear of the traffic department- last time I was there I had the biggest anxiety attack ever. People were so unhelpful and no one cares. Yes, I know I am generalising and there are nice people who work in government departments. I have just never met one. Yes, I know people are overworked and that most people treat public servants badly. But it still upsets me because I think we should stand together more. There is so much crime so we can all understand how something small can make you feel upset. We have all been there. But instead I find that most people are selfish and don't want to know about your problems. Is it like this in other countries?

Sigh.

p.s. I had a really great weekend so I am feeling loads better! Just not particularly looking forward to the admin of replacing things.

A confession

I am socially awkward and I wish I was different. Now don't go disagreeing with me. I am. And it sucks. My previous post was all about how awesome the blogger get together was. And it really was, but in that big crowd I couldn't think of ONE thing to say. It was awful. Part of it is just being shy- that I can get. But when everyone started chatting and relaxing I was practically catatonic in the corner. All I could think of were the proper social behaviour at a blogger event: like do I mention something that I know happened in your day (because I read it) or not? I don't know. And do I just wander around and introduce myself?

What's worse is that I feel I am getting worse with age. I have always been introverted. It has always been difficult to make friends. But a few years ago I had a handful of friends that I saw socially and enjoyed going out every once in a while. I think that how I act in social situations is related to who I am with. If I am out with people that know me and like me then my own perception of myself is positive. But if I am with people that don't know me (or worse, don't like me) then all my confidence flies out the window. I feel like some sort of shadow person. I only exist as people perceive. Not as myself. How sad is that? I am 26! I should be able to have a personality that is concrete- and not dependent on the social situation.

Half the problem is my lack of socialising.

This is a normal week for me:

1.) Arrive at work, say hi to colleague (quick hi, no chatting)
2.) Go down to manager (who is my boyfriend's mom) have a quick chat about work and the boyfriend (secretly because no one knows my boyfriend is her son)
3.) Blog
4.) Chat to Helen on gchat - she is writing up her PhD and so can't chat as often. Completely understandable.
5.) Wave good bye to colleagues as they leave office. Maybe say a few words about the weather.
6a.) Go to parents house, try not to fight with mom or dad, pick up sister, hear about school day, arrive home and say hi to the cat.
6b.) OR Arrive home alone and say hi to the cat
7.) Cook at eat
8.) Watch TV (if sister is there then chat to her or listen to her latest favourite song)
9.) Talk on skype to boyfriend
10.)Bath and go to sleep

And then repeat Monday to Friday. Weekends consist of staying as close as possible to boyfriend, watching PVRed shows and going to get muffins from woolworths

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written because mostly I pretend that I am content. But I suppose, when I do put myself out there and when I am honest to myself,that I am lonely. And I need to do something about it.

I had a conversation with Helen now and I am going to try go out more (even if it detracts from weekend time with Brian- he will understand. I keep hoping that I will meet cool people at this new job. But I am also scared that even I meet cool people I will be to socially incapable to talk or anything. I think maybe I am stuck in the past. I keep waiting for it to change but its not going to. Sarah is not coming back from Japan (except on holiday) and we are not going spend all our time together and have breakfast at rosebank every saturday. I can't expect Helen to dump her PhD work during the week because I like to stay home on the weekends. Kate and Leigh are never going to sms/phone and apologise for hurting me and we are never going to be friends again. I need to move on from them. I need to do something to change how I feel because the friends I have now are awesome but I need to get out the house more and actually see them and I should try meet people. And go for coffee and movies or wine or sing karokee or go to quizz nights.

I suppose I should be proud of myself...I walked into the blogger get together by myself. And if I keep putting myself out there by going out then maybe the old and fun Vanessa will come back. The one in the 21st speeches: a mix between a mother hen and a party animal. I want that Vanessa back. I keep thinking of my favourite saying.

"Fear is the original sin" L.M. Montgomery

Craziness

I had a little 'crazy' moment on the weekend. I was sitting watching Guiliana and Bill - yes, I watch awful 'reality' shows- and they had just found out that their 2nd IVF didn't work. And I got so sad and then I got so worried that I was sad (hence the crazy part). It became incredibly important for me to talk to Brian about kids.

Now, we have spoken about having children before. But half the time I am so worried about the million mistakes I will make as a mother or how I might lose my relationship with Brian if I have a child so I am constantly saying that I don't want children. I think the sadness that I felt at watching people desperatly wanting a child came from the fear that because I say I don't want children now, I might never have one.

Brian isn't too keen for children- I think he gets very worried about the responsibility- and I got so scared that my comments about not wanting children may be lying to him and that one day he will feel 'tricked' into this relationship. None of this is rational. He knows me so well and we have discussed that I might want children. But on Saturday, it became such a big THING to me.

I sat him down and then while crying and apologising for being such an awful girlfriend told him that I might want kids one day. The look on his face...I think he was 1.) confused and 2.) confused. He said he knew that and then sat expectantly for what he thought would be the 'awful' part of my confession. When I said that was all, I think he was trying not to laugh, but as usual he said exactly the right thing to say and so now (well at least for the next few months), I know that how I feel at 26 may change and that it is okay not to make a decision now. Its a good feeling to know that he knows me so well. And that it is okay to be unsure about this stuff.

I still can't understand my mind though. What on earth possessed me to become seriously emotional while watching Guiliana and Bill???

Breathe

Things that are worrying me...

At the moment there are quite a few things bothering me. My anxiety levels are completely up. I have been waking up earlier (worrying) and struggling to fall asleep (worrying) and I know there is a lot on my mind. I figure that maybe if I just list everything that maybe I can try deal with the issues worrying me instead of just feeling so anxious. So here goes.

1.) My MSc. corrections: I don't know if I am doing them 'right' and it bugs me that my supervisors don't seem to think that I did my best. There is always this little question that I rushed and I want them to acknowledge that I did a damn good dissertation. Also, my faculty seems to be unable to understand that I am missing some comments. I have finally got them to email the examiner to ask them for the missing comments but it is all taking so long.

2.) My new job: I want to finish my MSc. corrections before I start at the new job and that seems hopeless at the moment. I want to start getting prepared for the new job but they haven't sent me the induction material they promised.

3.) My sister: stuff at home is always difficult and so there is always worry about Savanah. Yesterday she couldn't sleep (she smsed at 12:15 to tell me). She went to watch "Something Borrowed" on Saturday. She said it was cute and when I asked her about the story she said (and I quote): "Its quite realistic as he was a cheating asshole". I don't want her to be so cynical and sad at 14. I don't want her to believe that love and marriage is not realistic. I just have no idea how to deal with it.

4.) Family: There are just so many issues at the moment and I feel like I kind of hid away from it all while I was in Harrismith. I know that when I go past my parents house tonight it will all come crashing down.

5.) My brother: He is currently not talking to me. I think he feels that he is having to deal with everything at home by himself. I wish we could just talk about it but he is angry at me. He thinks I don't contribute enough financially. When I refused to pay for half of the medical aid co-payment (I already pay for insurance etc.) he told me that he was going to cut me out of his life. I am so scared he means it. He can be hard. At the same time, I know I did the right thing. I have to have some boundaries and I am not angry with him. Its just all a crappy situation. But what if he never talks to me again? He got a promotion at work (my dad told me) and I smsed but he hasn't replied. Its just very scary.

6.) Money: I am going to get paid less at this new job till December. I will still have the same payments and its all going to be tight. At the same time, I have to stop procrastinating and get the student loan for my other brother. I am just so scared of having more debt. Brian manages to save quite a bit but its not my savings. I feel so vulnerable not being able to save. I don't want to suggest a holiday when he would have to pay for me. Equality is very important to me and money and debt are really getting me down.

7.) Work: I am so worried that as soon as I leave they are going to discover what a big fraud I am. I mentioned that I work for Brian's mom and she thinks I am wonderful. And despite all the blogging, I am up-to-date with everything. Still, I am so worried I won't have everything perfect when I hand over.

8.) Admin: I have to get another prescription for meds so I need to make a doctor's appointment; I have to change medical aids; I have to get the ADSL line at home fixed; I have email people and look after my sister and work on my masters and I just don't feel like I have enough energy at the moment.

All in all I am just stressed at the moment. Please tell me that it will all be fine.

Hope you guys aren't too stressed out!

Love this

I found this here

Alive

We must learn to be still in the midst of activity and to be vibrantly alive in repose.
Indira Gandhi

"I am so excited...I just can't hide it"

I am so excited and happy at the moment. Do you remember when we were little? That feeling the evening of your birthday, when you had eaten too many sweets and felt like the most spoilt and loved girl (or boy) in the world? Everyone had crowded round you and jostled to be your favouite friend. Well thats what I feel like right now. Five years old and all hyped up. So do you want to hear my news? Do you???

I got a job! WooHoo!

From the 1 August 2011 I will be an Environmental officer. I found out today. I went for the interview last Tuesday and I have been feeling so nervous. Like a stretched out elastic band. It was such a big deal for me. The thing is I do have a job and I know that I am lucky but I want to work in the field that I studied in and it felt like it was going to be impossible. Even with 8 years of study and 3 degrees, every advert I looked at wanted at least 2 years experience. And my current job doesn't count. My CV has been sent out hundreds of times and no one even replies. But you know what? It just takes luck! I found this company on the internet and I send a general "I am wonderful -so-hire-me" email and the director saw it and even though there was no position, they interviewed me and have decided to offer me a position.

Its entry level. And a pay cut and more work. But I am so happy. I feel like I am finally starting. I am proud of myself for overcoming my hurdles (even the ones that I created myself) and for moving on. I got this position because I worked for it and there is something so satisfying about getting something that you have worked towards. I know that there are little things I will worry about but tonight I don't want to. I pushing those thoughts away and concentrating on enjoying this feeling.

I feel like Rocky!!! :)

Something I need to learn

I do not try to dance better than anyone else. I only try to dance better than myself.
– Mikhail Baryshnikov

Waiting

“Between the wish and the thing lies waiting.”

Waiting for the Sun by Mitchell Miller

Life instructions

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin

Are we de-sensitized?

I love South Africa. I always will: I think that no matter what happens in the future I will always be proud that I lived in a country that overcame so much, where forgiveness was hailed as essential for a new and better future. But with the crimes of the past comes the crime of the present.

Crime:

Most people who read this have been exposed to some sort of crime, your mother, your father, a smash and crab, petty theft, domestic violence. The list goes on.

My family has been pretty lucky when it comes to crime- well, no one has been seriously injured but we have been affected. First when I was 11 and we were in an armed hijacking. We were forced in the house and made to lie down while 6 armed men ramsacked the house and threatened to shoot my grandfather (the only male who was over 9) and rape my mother and aunt. But we were okay. And stuff is only stuff.

10 years later, while getting into the car, we were parked in and held at gun point. Again. This time they didn't want the car (tracking devices etc.) but they took bags, cell phones, jewellery...stuff. We were all fine and stuff is only stuff.

On Tuesday, three armed men entered my parents house and tied up my mother, my grandmother (she is 90) and our domestic worker, Themba who is too ill to work at the moment because she has just had a kidney removed (not that the 30 staples she has in her side stopped them from pushing her around). Once again, everyone was okay. They only took stuff.

But I am tired of thinking this is all okay. Yes, stuff is only stuff but there is something inherently wrong at tying up a 90 year old women or cocking your gun at a 70 year old man or 5 year old child. My sister has technically been the luckiest: she has only dealt with one armed robbery but she has nightmares about people killing me and chasing her around. She can't get out of bed in the dark and she is petrified of car guards (she heard a story of a girl being raped- I don't know if its true or not)

I am annoyed at myself for feeling so de-sentitized about it all. I got my dad's sms on Tuesday and calmly phoned to check everyone was okay. I then moved onto the more important topics: insurance,police etc. The red tape and admin. Its what we do. But it is not right. I should not be so casual about it. They kicked in a kitchen door. I should think of that. My mom was sitting in her kitchen, drinking tea, in her house which should be safe. I should think of that. I should not be so accepting. It is not the way it should be. South Africa should be better than this. All this violence...Do you know a girl was murdered in my complex a few months ago? It wasn't a botched hijacking or anything and my area is very safe but her stalker ex-boyfriend hit her with a knuckleduster and then stabbed her to death and I DIDN'T hear anything! And I was upset for a week or two, sad at the lost of life but I moved on. I stopped thinking of it.

There is just so much violence and entitlement: that man thought he was entitled to her life. In the robberies we have been in, the men have felt they are entitled to take what they want. It feels like its some sort of rot that it is hitting us. Where ethics and people mean nothing. Having what you want is more important (never mind who you took it from). I don't really know what to do about it but I know that just accepting it is wrong. I don't want to leave my country and I don't want to moan about it to people who do not live here either. But for me, I think the first step is to feel. I don't want to become hardened. I think if that happens, then I am lost.

Maybe that is what is stolen in the end...

In someone else's shoes

I feel like I am getting sick - silly weather! And after all the vitamins. Sigh.

Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:

Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.

And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.

She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.

I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.

This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.

I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.

But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.

An open letter

Dear Parents,

Your children love you but a lot of what you do can really make things difficult. I am not going to spend my life being sad or depressed because of the things you do because I am BETTER than that. But I am allowed to get angry. And I am angry now. I don't know if I will ever not be angry.

I would like to tell you a few things so that maybe you can learn. Or remember. What it feels like to be a son or daughter caught in the middle of your stupid decisions. So...

All your actions will affect your children. They are always your responsibility and it doesn't matter how old or how young they are, you have to take them into account. I understand that everyone deserves to be happy and you need to make the best decision for yourself but because you are a mom/dad, the best decision will HAVE to take into account what is best for your children too. I know, it sucks. But it was your decision to have a child (or if it was not a decision - what the f%#k where you thinking?) Here's a list:

1.) Do not stay married for a child - believe me, we know that it is not working and you just hurt all of us

2.) Do not use us as an excuse for things that you have not done. If you want to go back to work, take a cruise - whatever - JUST DO IT! If we are little, we may cry but if you sigh longingly for other times, when we are older we will be stuck with the guilt or ruining your life. Yes, that is the way we think of it. So just live your f%#king life!

3.) Do not cheat. As I said, get a divorce if you want. But if you lie and cheat on our father/mother, you are also lying to us. You will provide us with a wonderful cynicism and all our decisions and fears will be based on the fear that people cheat and lie.

4.) Don't think you can hide if you do cheat. We are not stupid.

5.) Please do not get us involved in your fights. We are not mediators or judges. Your child does not want to 'make daddy feel better' or tell you 'you were definitely right'. I know you are not a superhero or a saint, So yes, you will fight but try leave us out of it.

6.) One day your children will grow up and they will go out/have boyfriends/girlfriends/move out/get married and no, this is not a betrayal. They are not abandoning you and yes, I know its hard. But imagine how difficult it is to feel guilty for enjoying life.

7.) We have good memories. Yes, even when we are small, we remember fights. We remember outdoor chairs being thrown in the pool. We remember that you told us you wanted to die. We remember trying to fix things by making dinner/making you laugh/making sure our siblings were okay. And we will always feel like fixing things. And in life not all things can be fixed. So we will always feel guilty for not being able to fix things. So please watch what you say.

8.) Therapists are good. If you are throwing things around. Go talk to someone. Get some help. If you are so scared of being abandoned that you cannot do anything, go see someone. Be proactive.

9.) Children are not therapists. We don't want to get involved. We don't want to lie for you and although we do want to make you happy, we cant make you feel better. Please don't ask us to. All you are doing is setting us up for failure. And it feels bad.

10.) Please do things with our father/mother. Go out for dinner. Go on holidays. Yes, we are important but your relationship is also important and one day we will understand that. We will miss you and cry but one day we will grow up and then you will have nothing.

11.) Please make friends. With Grown Ups. We are not your friends. We love you but we should not know about your sex life/issues/marital problems. And we need parents more than we need friends. One day we will grow up and then you will constantly talk about how you miss us. Even when we see you lots. And that will drive us away. And it will makes us feel a bit unloved too. Because I know that you wish that I was 3 yrs old again. I know because you tell me. And that makes me think there is something wrong with me now.

12.) When we do get older, our relationship will change and we will be able to talk to you about things. Don't tell us everything but don't keep us in the dark either. If there is no electricity then we are smart enough to know there is financial problems. Don't pretend that we are not affected. Tell us what you are doing...otherwise we will think you are doing nothing.

13.) Use a condom. If you don't have the money to have more children then don't. If your relationship is not working then having a child is a bad idea. There are ways to prevent having children. Use them.

14.) Do not expect us to forgive everything because you love us. Sometimes love is not enough. One day you will push things too far and then I won't want to see you. And it doesn't matter that you raised me or looked after me. One day, I won't care.

I suppose I sound very mean or patronising. And I want to make something very clear. I am not judging every parent. I am not a parent. I don't know what it is like. But I am a daughter and a big sister and I know what that is like. I won't blame my parents for everything that goes wrong. No, I am seeing a therapist and I am trying to deal with my issues. And they are MY issues to fix. I am not a victim. But for 26 years I have watched and I can see what is happening. It is like watching a train wreck and having no power to stop it.

I wish I could say these things out loud but I can't because then I will cause I fight and that will upset my brother and my sister. It will upset everyone so I will continue to be a good daughter until one day I can't. I thought I always wanted children (too much maternal instinct, my friends used to say) but I don't think I will. I am too scared of all the mistakes I will make, all the responsibilty. I have had to tell my sister so many awful things. I have deal with the fact that I have made bad decisions and that I can't fix it. But I am adult enough to realise that.

The sad thing is having a child, doesn't make you an adult.