A confession

I am socially awkward and I wish I was different. Now don't go disagreeing with me. I am. And it sucks. My previous post was all about how awesome the blogger get together was. And it really was, but in that big crowd I couldn't think of ONE thing to say. It was awful. Part of it is just being shy- that I can get. But when everyone started chatting and relaxing I was practically catatonic in the corner. All I could think of were the proper social behaviour at a blogger event: like do I mention something that I know happened in your day (because I read it) or not? I don't know. And do I just wander around and introduce myself?

What's worse is that I feel I am getting worse with age. I have always been introverted. It has always been difficult to make friends. But a few years ago I had a handful of friends that I saw socially and enjoyed going out every once in a while. I think that how I act in social situations is related to who I am with. If I am out with people that know me and like me then my own perception of myself is positive. But if I am with people that don't know me (or worse, don't like me) then all my confidence flies out the window. I feel like some sort of shadow person. I only exist as people perceive. Not as myself. How sad is that? I am 26! I should be able to have a personality that is concrete- and not dependent on the social situation.

Half the problem is my lack of socialising.

This is a normal week for me:

1.) Arrive at work, say hi to colleague (quick hi, no chatting)
2.) Go down to manager (who is my boyfriend's mom) have a quick chat about work and the boyfriend (secretly because no one knows my boyfriend is her son)
3.) Blog
4.) Chat to Helen on gchat - she is writing up her PhD and so can't chat as often. Completely understandable.
5.) Wave good bye to colleagues as they leave office. Maybe say a few words about the weather.
6a.) Go to parents house, try not to fight with mom or dad, pick up sister, hear about school day, arrive home and say hi to the cat.
6b.) OR Arrive home alone and say hi to the cat
7.) Cook at eat
8.) Watch TV (if sister is there then chat to her or listen to her latest favourite song)
9.) Talk on skype to boyfriend
10.)Bath and go to sleep

And then repeat Monday to Friday. Weekends consist of staying as close as possible to boyfriend, watching PVRed shows and going to get muffins from woolworths

This is probably one of the most honest posts I have ever written because mostly I pretend that I am content. But I suppose, when I do put myself out there and when I am honest to myself,that I am lonely. And I need to do something about it.

I had a conversation with Helen now and I am going to try go out more (even if it detracts from weekend time with Brian- he will understand. I keep hoping that I will meet cool people at this new job. But I am also scared that even I meet cool people I will be to socially incapable to talk or anything. I think maybe I am stuck in the past. I keep waiting for it to change but its not going to. Sarah is not coming back from Japan (except on holiday) and we are not going spend all our time together and have breakfast at rosebank every saturday. I can't expect Helen to dump her PhD work during the week because I like to stay home on the weekends. Kate and Leigh are never going to sms/phone and apologise for hurting me and we are never going to be friends again. I need to move on from them. I need to do something to change how I feel because the friends I have now are awesome but I need to get out the house more and actually see them and I should try meet people. And go for coffee and movies or wine or sing karokee or go to quizz nights.

I suppose I should be proud of myself...I walked into the blogger get together by myself. And if I keep putting myself out there by going out then maybe the old and fun Vanessa will come back. The one in the 21st speeches: a mix between a mother hen and a party animal. I want that Vanessa back. I keep thinking of my favourite saying.

"Fear is the original sin" L.M. Montgomery

In someone else's shoes

I feel like I am getting sick - silly weather! And after all the vitamins. Sigh.

Anyway that is not what I wanted to talk about. So before I start rambling (who me?) lets get on with it:

Yesterday I went and visited a sick friend during my lunch break. We studied together and she is immensely immensely clever and an over achiever of note. It was back in the days where I would never ever mention I was on anti depressants and I didn't really ask/talk about it with other people. Still I think I felt that she was a kindred soul.

And I was (sadly) right. We lost contact after undergrad and the next time I saw her was in 2009 when I was supposed to be handing my MSc. but had taken an extention because of a mini breakdown. She was also finishing her MA but she had been hopsitalised 3 times that year and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. You could feel the anxiety on her. She couldn't keep still.

She got a job lecturing at another African university and moved there and she loved it. No hot water or cell phone signal but it was calm and she seemed calm. In the middle of last year she moved back to be with her boyfriend (who then proposed) and things started going down hill. She was in hospital by December and was hospitalised again two weeks ago. Thanfully she is going back to lecture but that does make me worry about her- being so vulnerable and alone.

I worry about her and I care about her but at the same time I don't really know how to deal with her. The smses/phone calls and the mood swings. Sometimes she says I am a good friend, other times I don't put in any effort and it confuses me. I don't always agree with her decisions but I am not really someone that deals well with confrontation so I also don't know how to tell her. Its hurts me that she wants to die and that she has actively tried. I see the scars on her wrists and part of me wants to run away. Not because I am scared of her, not because I don't care but because I want to fix her and I can't.

This made me think of my own experiences: I have never been so sad that I would hurt myself and I don't think that I have ever been as depressed. However, I was depressed and mopey. I know that. I wanted to deal with all the anger I was feeling and so I was a lot more confrontational than usual. In essesence to be depressed is to be stuck in a bubble of your own pain and sadness and that makes you concentrate on you. Well that is how it is with me. I didn't mean to be selfish but I was. It was how I saw the world at that time.

I now wonder about my friends. The ones who said I was too self absorbed, the ones that left me, the ones that I feel betrayed by. And I wonder if they maybe felt like I do? Maybe I am no better. That would be difficult to accept because I have always felt that at least I got the 'moral highground'. They couldn't take it because I was sick. They were wrong and I was right. The victim.

But now, maybe not...maybe no one could've helped me except Brian (and 2 of my university friends). Maybe it was all too much to deal with. I don't know. Were my expectations too high? Was I that difficult to be around? My memories are blurry around the edges. I don't think my behaviour deserved their behavior but I have doubts now. It makes me a little sad because if it wasn't because they were too selfish, then maybe I overreacted. I can see how easy it would be to pull away from my friend in hospital but I choose not to. Does that make me different? I don't know but I won't judge them so harshly now. Depression is difficult to be around. And there are a lot of hard decisions to make as a friend: Do I tell her she shouldn't get married? Do I tell her she drinks too much? Do I check up on her and make sure she sees her doctor? Do I tell her that I am worried about her travelling across Zim with a dog and a kitten in a months time? I am scared that it will make her worse if I tell her. But (and this is my failing) I am scared of what she will say to me if I do.

Do you remember Pollyana?

When I was little I remember watching the movie, "Pollyanna" which starred Hayley Mills (my mom always hired quite old movies to watch which is probably why my first crush - after Prince Eric- was Gene Kelly). I really loved her 'Glad game'. I am not always very positive but I do try and whenever I have been down, I try and think of something to be glad about.

So after my very mopey post on Saturday (apologies), here are some things I am glad about:

1.) Lists - I love lists (I really am such a nerd)
2.) It is the last monday of the month which means my boy has a long weekend. Which means when I get home today he will be there :)
3.) Friends - I saw two of my good friends on Sat and it was good just to have some girly time
4.) My electric blanket
5.) Watching 3 Supernatural episodes in a row. I love Dean!
6.) Robert Jordan books (They are my boy's books but it is so good to be reading again.)
7.) I have a pair of hiking socks on so my feet are not as cold as usual.
8.) There is a heater in my office
9.) My boy remembers the 1st song we danced to and it played on VH1 this weekend. I love how it is important to him too.
10.) I feel better! This is actually quite a big statement for me but its true: I made it! I went to visit a friend of mine on Friday - she is hospital because of depression and when I was walking back to the car it hit me. I had this whole "Rocky" moment and I wanted to dance. Thing is I had a breakdown in 2009 and although I could still function, I really didn't know if I would ever feel better, if I would ever be able to drive without drinking a litre of water (anxiety) or read a book again. I didn't know if the 'Pollyana' me would ever emerge again. I felt so guilty for inflicting myself on my boy (who has been there for me the whole time). I didn't know if I would stop having 'epiglottal spasms' - where I couldn't swallow and it felt that I couldn't breathe. More than anything, I didn't know if I would ever feel happy again. And I did it. I finished the MSc. (I know I mention that a lot but it is a HUGE personal achievement for me), I am reading again, I can swallow, I can be positive. And I am glad!

My friend and I

I was reading this and it got me thinking about people and friendships.

I think most people (well, girls at least) will have probably had to deal with hurtful and selfish people mascarading as friends. It is a very painful betrayal when the people we trust hurt us. It is even worse when there is no one brave enough to come to your defense.

I think just under the skin, we are still apes, grooming the most dominant, taking advantage of the less dominant...pretending to be better. In my case, I tried to move out of 'my place'. Instead of listening to my friends all the time, I also told them about my problems. I tried to face my fear and for the first time I even admitted my depression to them. But my 'friends' did not like this change. My 'job' was to listen and to provide advice. For 10 years I had listened and I honestly thought that I had actually done a diservice to my friends. I had never fully trusted them and I wanted to change that. But change is scary and some people don't want to change. In the end I was booted from the book club (yes, really) and told I was selfish and rude and uncaring.

Those words have only now started to lose their sting. And social networking systems really don't help. Of course, my friends were 'too grown up' to 'unfriend me' but instead (I don't think purposely), I was subjected to a hundred fun updates about friends I was now excluded from. After months, I finally hid the profiles so that their happy social life didn't continue to make me feel like a lonely loser. I still check on them from time to time. I was friends with them from when I was 13. Its a hard habit to break. But one thing I have to say is that I am glad I faced my fears. Yes, I opened up and got hurt but I also finally learnt who I could trust.

Spending your life acting as you think you should is not the right way. Whatever my DNA may say, I do not have to rely of the goodwill of the group for food and safety anymore. I can be my own person. And yes, there will always be people trying to dominate. Those who are scared of anyone who may take away their 'position'. But I know that I am worth more. I know that my friend who has also been affected by silly people is worth more. I know I can trust her. She listened to me mope when my Masters felt like it would never be finished. She understands that I get sad sometimes. She understood when I could not come out for months while I wrote up. And she deserved better. But unfortunately, we don't always get the friends we deserve. Some people take the easy route. So instead of standing up for someone, they sit back and pretend nothing is happening. I really do hope they are luckier than my friend and I- and that they don't find themselves in the same situation.

So, to my friend. Remember in primary school everyone told us we were 'big fish in a small pond?" well that's what the lab is like. Its a small pond filled with big fish. Those fish may stay there to stay big or swim into the ocean but either way, the small pond that they are currently in is slightly smelly and far too noisy. You are, at least brave enough to swim in the ocean! And you are better off...

Any other bookworms out there?

I am a bookworm. No doubt about it. Despite, the close relationship between bookworminess and nerdiness, I have always been proud of this fact. One very special memory from my childhood involves me walking into the house, running to find my mom with my first book behind my back. I can't remember what it was- probably "Cathy and Mark" or something like it. But I felt that my journey had started. I could read!

Growing up, I was not great at making friends. I was very thoughtful and extremely sensitive and perhaps a bit of an 'old soul' but for whatever reason in around Grade 2 I started to bring my books to school with me. I would sit on a swing and imagine myself riding my own special pony. As I grew older, I devoured books. Whatever was in the house. As quickly as I could finish it. It wasn't a competition to be a fast reader...it was more a need to know "what happened". I would curl up during the holidays and read all day and all night. Immersed in anything from "Jane Eyre" and "Sense and Sensability" to the "Famous Five" and oooh...horse books like "A horse called Wonder".

Reading didn't just increase my vocabulary or sharpen my imagination. Books helped me choose people I wanted to be friends with, boys I was interested in and I suppose gave me my own, albeit, mixed up, sense of values. When life got tough, I had my bookshelf filled with my 'classics'. I could hide away in plain sight-escape to a place where things were more orderly. Up to this day, if I am sad or hurt there are a few books that I will pick up and start reading. I don't really need to read them anymore. I know every word...every character but it calms me. Some books even provide me mantra's that I live by:

"Fear is the original sin. Almost all of the evil in the world has its origin in the fact that some one is afraid of something.It is a cold slimy serpent coiling about you. It is horrible to live with fear; and it is of all things degrading."
— L.M. Montgomery (The Blue Castle)

I have some awesome friends

And yes, we did get to play with a baby red panda.

I've been getting to spend some more time with my friend, Helen which is great. We even went away and played charades. Or at least I think it was charades....

We end up chatting on g-chat a lot. When both of us should be working. Its fun!

And of course I have my cat...My grandfather asked when he saw the mat "Is it the cat welcoming people or welcome to other cats?"

I'm not one of those people that has tons of friends.
Seriously.
I got kicked out of book club (for wanting to read). And I am probably far too close to my boyfriend. And my sister. But I have decided that a few good friends is much better than worrying about the opinions of a large number of people. I think that I am finally growing up and losing the 'best friend' fairy tale. I am not saying that I don't care about my current friends. Not at all. They are totally cool. But I think as a girl, we grow up watching all these movies and reading books that all feature a close group of friends who grow up and stay friends. We have started to learn that we shouldn't let guys treat us badly, but we  let our friends do much worse and forgive worse sins. There is no perfect friendship, just like every relationship is flawed. But for me being able to talk to someone after not seeing them for awhile, or feeling at ease, not feeling the need to fill the silence and just being myself are little signs that show that a friendship is really working.

So, to my friends...thank you!

For Sarah, with love

My friend, Sarah is in Sapporo, Japan. So 8.9 earthquake and tsunami. Not fun. According to facebook she is sitting with her emergency kit of passport, energy bars and jerseys. And I am so worried about her. So thinking of her and everyone else in Japan.

It's pretty scary...

So I am just thinking of some of the cool wits fun times. These are memories that make me smile whenever I think of them. And if Sarah gets over her blogspot unhappiness (and has access to internet) then I hope these pics make her smile too. We had lots of good times. And when I visit her and her boy in Japan then we will have tons of good times!!! And then I can add to the photos. Yay for more fun times :)

Sarah took these shots: she is an awesome photographer and I love this happy-go lucky shot of me, Sarah and my boyfriend.

Sarah and our wits friends toilet-papered Eebee's desk for his birthday. It was so fun!!!

Laura and I at Sarah's 21st birthday party :)

Our friend, Luke studies Chimps at the zoo (seriously, he does). We all went to the zoo and Sarah, the photographer, was shooting as usual.

Me and Brian at Sarah's farewell braai at her uncle David's place.

My 21st- Sarah hates this pic (sorry but I love it!!!)

So, Sarah if you see this post (please read my blog!), hope it makes you smile. Love you lots because you are awesome and I know that its been scary but I know we all love you!