Do you remember Pollyana?

When I was little I remember watching the movie, "Pollyanna" which starred Hayley Mills (my mom always hired quite old movies to watch which is probably why my first crush - after Prince Eric- was Gene Kelly). I really loved her 'Glad game'. I am not always very positive but I do try and whenever I have been down, I try and think of something to be glad about.

So after my very mopey post on Saturday (apologies), here are some things I am glad about:

1.) Lists - I love lists (I really am such a nerd)
2.) It is the last monday of the month which means my boy has a long weekend. Which means when I get home today he will be there :)
3.) Friends - I saw two of my good friends on Sat and it was good just to have some girly time
4.) My electric blanket
5.) Watching 3 Supernatural episodes in a row. I love Dean!
6.) Robert Jordan books (They are my boy's books but it is so good to be reading again.)
7.) I have a pair of hiking socks on so my feet are not as cold as usual.
8.) There is a heater in my office
9.) My boy remembers the 1st song we danced to and it played on VH1 this weekend. I love how it is important to him too.
10.) I feel better! This is actually quite a big statement for me but its true: I made it! I went to visit a friend of mine on Friday - she is hospital because of depression and when I was walking back to the car it hit me. I had this whole "Rocky" moment and I wanted to dance. Thing is I had a breakdown in 2009 and although I could still function, I really didn't know if I would ever feel better, if I would ever be able to drive without drinking a litre of water (anxiety) or read a book again. I didn't know if the 'Pollyana' me would ever emerge again. I felt so guilty for inflicting myself on my boy (who has been there for me the whole time). I didn't know if I would stop having 'epiglottal spasms' - where I couldn't swallow and it felt that I couldn't breathe. More than anything, I didn't know if I would ever feel happy again. And I did it. I finished the MSc. (I know I mention that a lot but it is a HUGE personal achievement for me), I am reading again, I can swallow, I can be positive. And I am glad!

Working on a Saturday

So I really don't have a fast-paced job...far from it really. It can be busy but its definitely not mentally stimulating. The usual story, I suppose. I didn't finish the masters in 2 years so I had to get a job to pay for the 3rd year and then because I had a job it took a twice as long to finish.

The thing is now I am finished and this job is becoming harder and harder to handle. I am annoyed by it and guilty that I am annoyed by it (because the fact is I have a job so I shouldn't moan). I have a lovely boss but I feel very lonely: I don't have a bond with my co-workers. They're not bad people but we are on a different page about nearly everything. Different backgrounds and different ideas. I am bored and somehow also very unproductive (you should see my desk!) and I have to somehow click into gear because I don't know how long it will take to find an environmental job without the proper experience.

Anyway, its Saturday and I am stuck at work. This means that I sit around doing absolutely nothing while part-time students study. Part-time students all come to work on the same floor which means I don't have access to my messy desk so I can't try an be productive. I can't stay on the internet for long because its unprofessional and my colleagues don't need any excuse to think the worse of me anyway. Things are actually going very smoothly which means I don't have to help anyone and so I can just see this last hour is going to take so long.

Ah well...at least it is home time in an hour. Then its back to the boy and I can try and enjoy my weekend with him before he hurtles back to Harrismith for his job (he works there during the week which sucks because although we 'live' together, we don't actually stay in the same province.) Maybe there is no such thing as the perfect job. I just really want to have a career and I will be so disappointed with myself if this is it.

Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend! Tell me all about it on Monday :)

Success!

I got my examiners' reports back. I am the proud owner of a MSc. (and a whole lot of corrections- but who cares???). Yay! One examiner motivated that I get a distinction (of course the other wants me to rewrite a whole chapter so it won't happen). So I am very very relieved. I was not very confident when I handed it in. But apparently, it was better than I thought. :)

Four years and four minutes

It feels odd to be writing a blog. I have scoffed that blogging since it became cool. Not that I have anything against bloggers, of course. Its just the idea of making your private life so un-private. I imagine, that if anyone is reading this, they are wondering why I don't write about some less private stuff. I don't know...I suppose that if I am going to write, then I feel I should write about things that are close to my heart a.k.a. private. So here is attempt #1.

For the past four years I have been engaged in an epic battle. The evil villian: a postgraduate degree that I inflicted upon myself. Why? I don't know. I was floating on the victory of being the top student in my honours class and winning numerous awards. I was flirting with the idea of carrying on in academia and becoming a "Doctor" (seriously, its a good title). My boyfriend was doing one and so were all my friends and I didn't know what I wanted to 'be when I was grow up'.

In the end, life happened in between. People get old and sick and die. Some people don't cope. Some people think they have to cope and then don't cope. And always, ever present is the 'project' and the 'supervisors' and the deadlines. So do I regret it? Nope. I did learn and its a hell of a personal achievement for me. But I feel old and tired now. People keep asking me how I am celebrating. And they think I am joking when I say 'watching TV and sleeping". But I am not. I am really old and tired. I spent four years, on a project that took four minutes to hand in....